Changing Paths
Sugar Loaf Trail at North Carolina Beach - (side note) this path appears as a center piece in this trippy VR film I made while in residence with The School of Making Thinking at Cucalorus in 2019 , isn’t it magical?
About 7 and half years ago I made a choice that changed the trajectory of my life. I called off a wedding less than 4 months out, and after some months of couples therapy, ended our engagement and our relationship altogether. Many people who know this detail about my life tell me how brave I was to do what I did; indicating how common it is for people to go through with it despite second thoughts. But being called brave always perplexed me. Bravery had nothing to do with my decision to leave, at least not consciously. In my memory, it was like a very gradual and physical unraveling over a long period of time.
What was my body saying?
First, a tiny voice of questioning- easily distractible and brushed aside with all the fun wedding planning! Thinking back, If I am completely honest with myself , that voice though barely conscious much less audible, made a first appearance with the proposal. I remember not sleeping much that night. Was it excitement or…. ?
In moments of escalated conflict in the year that followed, loud visceral “NO!” messages rose up to consciousness from deep in my womb. Still it was easy to push that aside and keep going.
But eventually, a steady hum of heaviness took up residence in my sternum. I was tired and unmotivated a lot of the time. Easier to stay in bed than have to engage.
Concentrating on work or any of my creative goals was next to impossible.
There was definitely, guilt. What’s that feel like?
I started noticing how much I breathed easier when I was away from home.
Sex? No thank you. Oh, but the guilt…
During this time my bathroom floor was constantly covered in my own hair.
My hair grayed rapidly.
My face was full of acne.
Sometimes, towards the very end, a deep sadness took hold inside moments that held any sweetness or potential with my partner because by then my choice was clear.
My entire body was telling me what I needed to know.
Then I left. It was the hardest/easiest/best decision I have ever made to date.
I do want to acknowledge that the person on the other side of my story, has his own, and experienced a lot of pain with my departure. In my heart, I hope he is now also, and happily, exactly where he is called to be.
Back to the bravery thing - In hindsight what I think does take courage, conscious or not, is to even ask “Is this what I really truly want?” And then an even bigger act of bravery to listen to the answer. The one that is the actual truth, inconvenient as it may be.
And then to follow that answer vulnerably (read: courageously) into unknown territory because you know it’s unshakably right. Maybe that’s what people refer to as bravery. To listen to the voice inside that says the path laid out in front of you is no longer the right one. To hear it clearly over the lulling din of everything else outside that exists to numb you into complacency or despite the strategies we put in place to avoid feeling/causing pain. And to let that voice, your true voice, choose to carve for you the path that is. What’s yours saying right now?
May we all always be brave.